FFTFL premiere

FFTFL premiere

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Got To Get My Mojo Back

Is it the heat? The humidity? I shouldn't be feeling like this on the 2nd week of the kids' summer vacation, a week after my tremendous transformation, not when I have so many wonderful things to be looking forward to. Just feeling blah. Before I went to the gym yesterday, (yes, on the 4th of July, my gym was open, until 1pm, thank GOD!), I whined to my husband that I didn't want to go, I just didn't want to workout. I asked him "Why does it have to be so hard for me? Why do I HAVE to workout nearly every day of my existence AND watch every calorie I consume to maintain my weight?" I was just so frustrated.

I said to myself I'd start with 30 minutes on the arc trainer. Start there. See how I feel after that. I did 15 minutes on Level 5 in the Weight Loss Program, and then went down to Level 3 for 15 minutes after that. After working so hard at that, going for another 15 minutes at Level 1 is a piece of cake (and pie), so then I did ANOTHER 15 minutes to make it an even hour, 15 minutes more than my necessary minimum for the day.

I felt great. I came home and logged my exercise on My Fitness Pal, and then logged the food I would consume the rest of the day since I was hosting my f-i-l and his girlfriend to celebrate their birthdays as well as our country's. I knew I was making hamburgers and chorizo, baked beans, some macaroni salad....

I cleaned the house, took a quick shower, prepped the bbq, and then my company came and I put out the noshes. Chips and dips, crackers for the cream cheese with sweet jalapeno pepper jelly (thanks to Tastefully Simple). Then all hell broke loose. I regressed to that 229 pound girl that never knew when to say when. WTF?

I then ate the dinner I had logged earlier and later it was time for dessert. So, adding insult to injury, I had some TS chocolate pound cake (which I DID make with vanilla fat-free yogurt instead of the 1 1/2 sticks of melted butter- hooray for small victories!) AND a piece of apple pie with fat-free Cool Whip on top. I don't usually eat pie. I mean it's dessert, but it's fruit. Never my first choice, but I went right back to that crazy mentality of thinking I blew it already, so might as well go for it.

I seem to be having more of these days lately. Why? I still am not exactly where I want to be, which I thought was 139 pounds. I'm fighting with myself, wondering if it's THIS much work to stay where I am, do I really want to do even MORE to get there? And yet I sit here, feeling as fat as I ever did, even though I KNOW that's not the case, focusing on my imperfections...

And just now, as I was typing, I heard a pinging noise, metal on metal, and it's in fact, meDal on meDal. Hanging from my closet handle are our medals from the Damon Runyon/Yankee Stadium 5k, blowing in the fan-induced breeze. They're a reminder of how far I've come, and I HAVE come a long way. Just 3 years ago I couldn't run an entire 5k and now, last month I beat my PR TWICE! This month I'll begin training for my first half-marathon. "Light bulb!" (Said in your best Gru voice from 'Despicable Me.') That's why I'm doing this, to be proud of myself, doing something all by myself, for me. I was never proud of myself at 229 pounds, no matter what I may have accomplished.

Hitting the gym.

P.S. 9:04 pm: I didn't go to the gym. I decided to eat dinner with the kids and do my workout later at night when it cooled off. So, I got my running shoes on and I hit the road. I actually left my Garmin at home, brought my tunes with me and decided to enjoy this. It was a bit cooler, but I still struggled with the humidity. It felt like what I can only imagine the start of an asthma attack might feel like- heaviness in the chest. I took my time and did my usual route. Turns out I ran 3.06 miles in 29 minutes. Not bad for a hot, slow run. The best part? Watching the sun set and running with the lightning bugs!


  1. It is so very very hard not only to get where you want to be, but to stay there. I think we all have our moments where we want to throw our hands in the air and say screw it, I don't want to count calories/points/carbs whatever. But we have to. That's probably what I hate most about this whole thing, is that I will have to live the rest of my life calculating every single bite I put in my mouth. But the benefits are well worth it. Like you said about the medals. Isn't that worth it?

    1. Now that I'm in the right frame of mind, DEFINITELY!!

  2. Ugh. I have days like that too. So sorry. Holidays always seem to be rough when it comes to food. I chalk it up to being a recovering food addict. Once I blow it, I say WTF and just keep going. Very frustrating. Sounds like you are back into the right frame of mind. Good for you for getting moving and going for a run!

  3. Great job on the arc trainer, that machine is brutal!

    You are doing a great job! I have told my husband many times that it sucks that to achieve a normal, healthy weight I have to really work for it. But, whatever. It is what it is.

    Keep up the great work, and please share that chocolate cake recipe!