Got To Get My Mojo Back

Is it the heat? The humidity? I shouldn't be feeling like this on the 2nd week of the kids' summer vacation, a week after my tremendous transformation, not when I have so many wonderful things to be looking forward to. Just feeling blah. Before I went to the gym yesterday, (yes, on the 4th of July, my gym was open, until 1pm, thank GOD!), I whined to my husband that I didn't want to go, I just didn't want to workout. I asked him "Why does it have to be so hard for me? Why do I HAVE to workout nearly every day of my existence AND watch every calorie I consume to maintain my weight?" I was just so frustrated.

I said to myself I'd start with 30 minutes on the arc trainer. Start there. See how I feel after that. I did 15 minutes on Level 5 in the Weight Loss Program, and then went down to Level 3 for 15 minutes after that. After working so hard at that, going for another 15 minutes at Level 1 is a piece of cake (and pie), so then I did ANOTHER 15 minutes to make it an even hour, 15 minutes more than my necessary minimum for the day.

I felt great. I came home and logged my exercise on My Fitness Pal, and then logged the food I would consume the rest of the day since I was hosting my f-i-l and his girlfriend to celebrate their birthdays as well as our country's. I knew I was making hamburgers and chorizo, baked beans, some macaroni salad....

I cleaned the house, took a quick shower, prepped the bbq, and then my company came and I put out the noshes. Chips and dips, crackers for the cream cheese with sweet jalapeno pepper jelly (thanks to Tastefully Simple). Then all hell broke loose. I regressed to that 229 pound girl that never knew when to say when. WTF?

I then ate the dinner I had logged earlier and later it was time for dessert. So, adding insult to injury, I had some TS chocolate pound cake (which I DID make with vanilla fat-free yogurt instead of the 1 1/2 sticks of melted butter- hooray for small victories!) AND a piece of apple pie with fat-free Cool Whip on top. I don't usually eat pie. I mean it's dessert, but it's fruit. Never my first choice, but I went right back to that crazy mentality of thinking I blew it already, so might as well go for it.

I seem to be having more of these days lately. Why? I still am not exactly where I want to be, which I thought was 139 pounds. I'm fighting with myself, wondering if it's THIS much work to stay where I am, do I really want to do even MORE to get there? And yet I sit here, feeling as fat as I ever did, even though I KNOW that's not the case, focusing on my imperfections...

And just now, as I was typing, I heard a pinging noise, metal on metal, and it's in fact, meDal on meDal. Hanging from my closet handle are our medals from the Damon Runyon/Yankee Stadium 5k, blowing in the fan-induced breeze. They're a reminder of how far I've come, and I HAVE come a long way. Just 3 years ago I couldn't run an entire 5k and now, last month I beat my PR TWICE! This month I'll begin training for my first half-marathon. "Light bulb!" (Said in your best Gru voice from 'Despicable Me.') That's why I'm doing this, to be proud of myself, doing something all by myself, for me. I was never proud of myself at 229 pounds, no matter what I may have accomplished.

Hitting the gym.

P.S. 9:04 pm: I didn't go to the gym. I decided to eat dinner with the kids and do my workout later at night when it cooled off. So, I got my running shoes on and I hit the road. I actually left my Garmin at home, brought my tunes with me and decided to enjoy this. It was a bit cooler, but I still struggled with the humidity. It felt like what I can only imagine the start of an asthma attack might feel like- heaviness in the chest. I took my time and did my usual route. Turns out I ran 3.06 miles in 29 minutes. Not bad for a hot, slow run. The best part? Watching the sun set and running with the lightning bugs!